Self-compassion for parents: Why how we feel matters more than what we do
Parents, especially busy mothers, are often advised to take time for “self-care,” but caring for ourselves sometimes feels inconceivable. We can become so accustomed to putting the needs of others first, that caring for ourselves feels selfish. Or it seems impossible to access the time needed for self-care amidst the hubbub of modern family life.
Self-compassion is one form of self-care that can be applied in the moment, even at times when we can’t step away for “time to ourselves.” According to the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, “Self-compassion involves responding in the same supportive and understanding way you would with a good friend when you have a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself.” Increasing our self-compassion has a myriad of benefits including increasing our sense of well-being, improving our capacity for self-regulation, and increasing our motivation to make positive changes in our lives.
For parents, a self-compassion practice has an extra benefit. Our self-compassion is passed along to our kids. Sometimes, our kids’ behaviors can be frustrating, annoying or even triggering for us. When we develop the capacity to give ourselves compassion in these moments, we naturally extend that compassion to our children in their struggles. And our compassionate connection to them is, over time, internalized by children as their own compassionate inner voice, which they carry with them throughout their lives. This is the basis for what therapists call for “secure attachment” or healthy ways of relating to ourselves and others.
Many of us did not receive the compassion we needed as kids, and as a result, it can be difficult to offer it to ourselves. Even if we grew up in a safe, loving home, many of us find that we have a harsh “inner critic.” The good news is that we can cultivate self-compassion can at any stage of life.
Dr. Kristin Neff is the leading researcher in self-compassion and a developer of mindfulness practices to cultivate this capacity. She has identified three core components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness.
With mindfulness, we can acknowledge the reality of our suffering. We don’t try to push it away and at the same time we aren’t overwhelmed by it. With common humanity, we recognize that we are not alone in our suffering, that the pain we experience is human and others experience it too. With self-kindness, we learn to speak to ourselves supportively, similar to how we might comfort a good friend is struggling. Neff’s “self-compassion break,” practice is one way to start building compassionate habits. We can practice this guided meditation guided meditation and, once we learn the steps, we can give ourselves self-compassion breaks in daily life. The practice can be done in as little as 30 seconds if we need it on the go. There are a lot of “parenting strategies” out there, advising us on what to “do” in response to children’s behavior. But how we feel about ourselves and our children actually matters more than what we do with them. Through subtle (and not so subtle) cues, received form things like our body language, facial expression, and tone of voice, our children can tell how we feel. According to Robyn Gobbel, author of Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors, these cues aren’t something we can fake by trying to “act calm” when we’re frustrated. In fact, children (and all people) unconsciously sense the disconnect between how we feel and how we are acting, and this dissonance becomes a cue of danger for their nervous system. If we want to soothe our children, we have no choice but to soothe ourselves first.
Of course, it is impossible to do this perfectly or 100% of the time. The good news is we don’t have to! Ed Tronick is a researcher in developmental psychology. He found that, in addition to their need for compassionate attunement, children also need to experience “rupture” and “repair” in relationships with caregivers. Through this experience they learn that it is possible to reconnect after a difficult moment. In fact, Tronick found that parents of infants with secure attachment are only attuned to their children 30% of the time. The other 70% is made up of rupture and repair. So, when we act in ways that aren’t in alignment with how we want to parent, we can offer ourselves compassion for the pain we must have been feeling in order to behave that way. And then we can reach out to our children and offer repair, by acknowledging the harm caused by our behaviors and compassionately offering our children the soothing they need.
If you would like to cultivate more self-compassion, you can learn more at Neff’s organization, The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. If you would like individualized support, a therapist who is trained in mindful self-compassion can support you in finding and growing your compassionate self.
